Chugging along…

So when I imagined working for myself I imagined this wonderful life of morning runs, coffee at Starbucks, meetings about the city….HA! Then I would see other successful business owners and wonder how they had it so together and I seemed to run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Well, we all manage to have our face we show the world. Once I began getting to know other small business owners I realized how alike we all are. Sure, some of us have a bit more business sense, and others a bit more organizational skills, but rarely do any of us have it all. Me, I am the one with a lot of energy and vision, and some days not much else. And I mean that in the kindess of ways to myself. But we work for urselves because we have to. We simply cannot not do it. Despite our selves.

A day in my life: Yesterday I woke up, got the kids off to school (with hubby’s help) had a cup of coffee, finished up a freelance poster design and emailed off a proof, got ready to go to my part time job that will pay for the studio, went to part time job, went to studio, dropped off business cards for the other business owner I am renting space from (trade out!!), saw my sign above the store front and had a panic attack. Yup. I freaked, people. What am I thinking??? I put my name up all big on a huge sign??? See, I thought I’d have this moment. Ya know, the running, starbucks type moment. Nope. I looked up there and felt like someone knocked me in the stomach. Not a sense of accomplishment and pride. More like, I’m gonna throw up! Now everyone is gonna realize I am a big scaredy cat! I just drove off in a daze.

I came home and painted. I painted because when I paint I am calm. I don’t think of anything else. I became more peaceful. Then we did homework, ate dinner, read a good old Nancy Drew, and got the kids off to bed. Then I painted some more. I tried to paint away my fears. I painted from 8:30pm until 11:30pm. It didn’t work, but it helped. And today I have a really great painting to show for all my big old scaredy cat fears. I haven’t conquered my fear that this could be a big old flop and everyone will be able to see it, but at least I realize that I have the strength to keep moving forward. Even if none of this works out and I have to start all over one day doing something else, I tried. I tried my damnedest and let me tell you that even with the panic attacks and fear, I love what I do more than anything in the world. And with every painting I finish it makes everything else worth it.

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