Chilly days

I just got inside from taking my dogs out. Remember them? Yes, I still have the two giant sloppy dogs. So sweet. Love them. It is so chilly out. The light is beautiful as the sun is coming up shining through the fall colors. Fall makes me hopeful. I feel this way much more in fall instead of spring. Not sure why, I just do. This year is differnt though. It makes me sad for something. As if I am missing something but I don’t know what it is yet. I am going on a year of separation now. The divorce is not final. Not really supposed to write about it here. Maybe that explains to many of you why I have been so sporadic in my posting. Still can’t explain much. Not that I would put the details of a divorce up for public consumption, but I would like to talk about my feelings. it isn’t easy. And anyone that says people get divorced too easily has not gone through the gut wrenching decision to do it or the slow painful process of it. It is more pain than I have ever endured. It is the hardest thing i have ever gone through. This was not the life I thought I would have at 32. But it is my life. It is what I have and I can choose to boo hoo over it or take what i have and still love it. Most days I do. After all, it is the only life I have. But some days I don’t love it. Some days I feel like a little girl stomping her foot asking why I couldn’t have what I wanted. I see other people and read other journals and wonder why they have what I don’t. But I do understand that we all have our moments. No one has a perfect life. Some days we shine brighter than others. Some days we stay under the covers just waiting until tomorrow. Today is a gorgeous fall day and i want to shine. Maybe I will. Hard to tell yet. But I have a hot cup of tea, I have a wonderful pile of work to do which means my bills are getting paid, I have a wonderful pile of personal art to do which means my heart is getting fullfilled. Life may not be what I thought it would be, but it is mine. And I love it nonetheless.

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