kind of a rambling essay in my head.

Hmmm, what to write? I usually try not to write or post unless I have something to say. I am sitting here typing, so somewhere I guess I must want to say something. The past two weeks have been hard to describe in one word. Amazing, exhilirating, scary, fearful, anxiety-filled, full of joys, full of tears, so much. So much. I have for the first time in my life experienced panic attacks. For someone who has never had a full time job or a reliable source of income in ten years, you would think I’d be well versed in this. But actually no. I have never experienced physical panick attacks before. I was telling my friend about the fears with this new business. Wondering how I’d pay the bills, if freelance slowed down, or the gallery didn’t pick up the way I think I will. My life is a whole bunch of unknowns right now. And usually I can take a deep breath, know that it always works out one way or another and plunge ahead. But not the past two days. As I told her this and told her I was waking up in the middle of the night in a sweat so full of fear and everything that could go wrong that I never went back to sleep, I began to get dizzy, and clammy, and my arms and fingers got numb and tingly. I couldn’t breathe. I coudn’t focus. I couldn’t think clearly. After ten minutes it passed. I just let myself feel it and got through it. But that was enough. I realized that I was letting fear of the unknown cause me way too much emotional turmoil. Mind you, I have plenty of freelance work, word of mouth for the gallery is picking up daily and I have something else in the works that is pretty big. (which I can’t talk about yet, but when I can, boy howdy!) So all this fear is only because of me. Nothing real, nothing actually bad happening. I have a tremendous fear of failure. I can actually visualize people pointing and laughing saying, “What WAS she thinking? One more thing that isn’t going to work.” For all the successes I have, sometimes I still tend to dwell on what isn’t working. Why do I do that? So I did what any person should do in a case where they can’t get themself out of a self dug hole. I called my mom. And thank god for moms. They know exaclty the right things to say at the right times. She gently pointed out that I am a wee bit, um impatient with my goals. If things don’t happen right away I tend to cross them off as a failure and move on. Well this time I can’t. I need to realize that business takes time to build up. She said that I have plenty of work keeping me busy that will pay the bills and most importantly STICK TO THE PLAN. Don’t change up anything before I know if it will or won’t work. I realize that I don’t often stick to the plan. Which is a reason I can’t live in corporate america. I need to be able to move, do what I want. But right now I need to stay put. I have been increadibly productive in my gallery. I love closing up at 6pm and being done. I love being with my children at night and really being with them. Not getting them to bed while I am thinking about what project needs to be done once they are asleep. So I am breathing better again. Knowing that it is normal to be scared. I have taken on a lot. I have decided to make my dream a reality and it is on a very public level. For the first time if something I am doing does not work, it is for everyone to see. Sure, if I succeed it’s fantastic, if I don’t well, it’s not so fun. But I can say this, I certainly feel more alive than I ever have. But I think I will try to stay in the calmer emotions of life. Panick attacks are really no fun at all. And like I always say there really is no such thing as failure as long as you just don’t quit, and a quitter is nothing I have ever been. (and thanks mom, you rock.)

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