trust

So after another conversation with mom I am realizing more and more things about myself. I may be as scared of failure as of success. Many of my friends have written this to me in the past weeks. In the weeks I was gettitng the gallery ready and all the paperwork in order I went on instinct. I didn’t second guess myself. I didn’t panick, I just did it. Action. And everything went well. Not aways smooth, but progress was made. I have found it interesting that once I was open, once I had time to think and ponder, I began to doubt. To second guess. And while this didn’t cause anything bad to happen physically, mentally it was devastating. I was getting over come with fear on a daily basis. Wondering what the hell I had done. I doubted the art classes, I doubted my art, I doubted everything. Yesterday I realized how I was not listening to myself. How I was trying to run this gallery based on how I thought it “should” be run. Not on what my instict said. Not being flexible with my plan changing as I saw opportunities. Worrying that if I needed to change things I was somehow failing. So yesterday I took a deep breath and took action. I went on instinct. I paid bills that were due, I mailed letters, faxed letters, finished two design projects, dropped them at the printer, made arrangements to go to an elementary school for a presentation, dropped off a portrait for an art auction, and made my list of projects to do by Monday. And I did it. All. And it felt good. And last night I went out. And instead of feeling guilty I allowed myself to feel like I deserved it after such a productive day. This morning I had my second art class. I decided to have fun. To play with the kids, to play with art. To show them the joy I feel when I paint acrylic on canvas. The time flew. We laughed, we drew, we painted. At the end of the class each student had done their very first acrylic painting on canvas. And were they ever proud! Their work was amazing – I will post pics soon. There was joy in their art and you could see the pride in their eyes when they saw what they had created. I was flying when the class ended. It felt amazing. I just did what came naturally and stopped tyrying to do what I thought I “should” be doing. It was so much easier and so much more fun my way. Just like my art. When I try to imitate others I get frustrated. When I just paint what comes out of the end of my brush I feel a thrill every time. I am learning to stop fighting with myself. To go for it, with everything I have and see what happens. I tell, you, I may not know how this all turns out, but I can say this, I feel ALIVE. Everyday is an adventure and more and more each day I am trusting in myself. And that is when the fear goes away. Today was a beautiful day that I will remember moments of it forever. I trusted myself enough to give my joy to some children and saw the joy come alive in them. And that rocked.

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