Warning: Bit of a ramble ahead. Forgive any cheese factor.

So, I know a lot of artists read this blog. So I am going to write about something we ALL do. Don’t lie. You know you do. How many times have you cruised the internet highway, feeling pretty good about life in general then you start looking at other artist’s sites? The first few are inspirational. Then. Then you keep going. You see more and more amazing work. You see awards people have won, shows people have done, projects people have worked on. That is when you should probably stop. Close the old laptop, take a deep breath and say, well if they can do it, so can I! But we don’t. We keep going. And looking. And feeling worse and worse. And then if we are pms-ing or feeling particularly suicidal, we look at the BIG ones. Ya know, the illustrators and artists we adore, the ones whose books we open up and almost cry over, the people we would die to meet and get into their head and say, “HOW, how did you do it?” Ok, that is my scenerio, but you have your own.

Today I did a podcast interview about me and my gallery for a new e-zine launching in my area. As I described my life over the last ten years, I at first did the same old speech I have always done. But then I really listened to myself. And I realized for all my constant wondering when I would get to where I really want to be, I realized how far I have come. how many dreams have come true. That I AM on my way. There was a comment in one of my last entries from a reader who has been reading me for years and watched my progress. She really got me thinking (and hello Hawaii reader!!) about my career. I have come to the conclusion that we are ALL insecure and ALL trying to find our way. And we all have so much to celebrate in our lives if we look back. You try it. For a minute think back to where you were 5 years ago. What have you done to move towards your goals? Even just thinking about them and discovering them is a huge goal in itself. You have to visualize it in order to achieve it. I think, anyway. It’s funny, I have a really great friend who is an increadibly successful photographer. He travels the world, he seems to have it all. He is so artistic and is at a point in his career that they pay huge money for how he sees through the camera. I compare myself a lot to him. Talk about depressing. He is 13 years older than me and has paid his dues. But ya know what? He still has his moments of insecurity. Because we all do. I imagine once I publish my children’s book I will worry about if I can get another published. And once I get my second published I will worry if i can do another, how do I maintain this success? It is scary to think that I can create a life where I am never satisfied. Never quite happy because I worry about what is next. Lately I have had a bizarre calm over me. And I like it. I have enjoyed my days tremendously lately. Enjoying right now so much. I have moments of panic, but I am training myself to stop the panic and ask myself what can I do productive with my career right now instead of panicking, curling up into a ball and wishing for all I was worth that I had decided to get an accounting degree. I don’t know all the answers, and I think I am finally embracing the fact that I never will. So maybe I just need to keep doing what I adore and enjoy myself instead. Celebrate how far you have come, and live in this moment that you have created, then be excited for the unknown that is coming. Even if it is scary or hard you will get through it.

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