For those of you that read yesterday’s blog: Sorry, emotional train wreck was going on. For those of you that missed, yeah some entertainment.
So the deal is this. I have had a rough summer. My kids were gone almost a month. This past week they have been home and I realized how much I missed them. How much they are my life. How much they focus me and make me realize that this whole messy thing life, is about them. I feel like I am stumbling around trying really hard to figure it all out. I don’t know the answers. I realize when I try to force it all to go a certain way I am the most miserable. When I try to just make the best decision I can and trust that it will all work out it seems to go much smoother. I have been trying so hard lately to force life to bend to my wishes to make what i want to happen now. NOW. And that is not working at all. I am craving stability. i am craving sameness. I am craving contentness. I am not sure how to get it. So I am telling God, the universe, the great whatever is out there that that is what I want. I want my art to be my joy again. I want work to be good, but not such a struggle. If that means some full time work for a while, great. if that means a new reliable freelance client, great. If that means some licensing deals come through, fantastic. But I think what I am realizing is that I am just along for the ride. I don’t get to steer. But i can buckle myself in, make sure I am as safe as I can be, prepare myself and try not to leave EVERYTHING to chance. I have a lot of things I have put out there, phone calls, emails, resumes for lots of different things. And whatever is supposed to be next in my life is what will happen. I am open to all of it, any of it. I’m going to relax for a bit and see what opportunities present themselves. I’m done driving. I want to look out the window for a while and look at the scenery. I haven’t looked at it in a really long time. When did it get to be the end of the summer? I missed my fireflies. I missed my nights dipping my toes in the pool. I missed the crickets. But my kids are home and I am not going to miss any more.
Today I worked all day then stopped work at 5pm while the kids had friends over. (I’ve taken my computer home from the studio so that i can work here at the house while I have the kids) Then we went to the pool and splashed and played for 2 hours. We came back upstairs and I made dinner. I made chocolate cake with chocolate frosting for dessert. Then we cuddled up on the couch and watched a movie. Sigh. Today was peace. Today was contentment. Today was what I have been craving.
(and for those of you that read my entry yesterday and judged me, and judged me really, really harshly and said really, really mean, nasty things about me and to me? Well, I’m not perfect, and of course I know that. But how perfect are you? And feel free to stop reading my blog at any time. Cause this is my place. And I can be however I want to here, even if it is whiney and sad and pathetic. So feel free to ignore me for the rest of your life, I won’t mind at all.)