funny story

Ok, now, because I have hardly cracked a smile all summer and now that things seem to have shifted I am having fun again. So i have a funny story that i will try to tell that makes me laugh out loud still every time I think about it.

On Tuesday I ran around doing errands with my friend. He was buying some really cool bookcases on craigslist and asked if I would help move them. They had these granite tops and they were really heavy and R had hurt his back a few weeks before so he couldn’t lift much. Now at this guys apartment we are at buying this thing from, the guy is a talker. And he has really, really cool stuff and really, really cool art. So while the boys are busy talking about things I cannot begin to afford, I sit my happy little self down with an an book by Sol DeWitt. Um, soooo cool!! Now love Sol’s art. While I am doing this I realize I have to pee. But I don’t want to ask this guy to use his bathroom. I can be weird like that. So I hold it. (Remember this. It matters later.) So we are there almost an hour and half. That is a long time. Then we move everything down to the car. It takes time. Then we are in the car all worried about granitte sliding and breaking. Very heavy, very expensive granite. So we pull over and rearrange. This takes time. I still have to pee. Afterwards I was going to his house to have dinner and watch Entourage. (OHMIGOD have y’all seen that series on HBO? I am totally addicted and it is totally uncool because I don’t have cable. But R records it every Sunday then every once in a while we have a marathon of them.) So we decide to stop at Publix and get dinner. He says go use the bathroom because I say we need to hurry cause I REALLY GOTTA PEE. He says go use the public bathroom. Ha! That is funny. No. Not so much. I can hold it I say. Shop fast. We get the very high brow Hamburger Helper Beef Strogenoff. So yummy. And don’t all be grossed out, y’all love it too. (for the record I have no idea why I am all Y’all-ing all of a sudden. I am trying to ween myself off of dude. Maybe that is it. Who knows. But sorry y’all) Ok, so got the hamburger helper and get the extra creamy whipped cream to go with the half the fat hagaan daaz cookie dough ice cream. Half the fat? Why y’all? Cause I was not buying, that is why. I mean, hello? We were going full on with the whipped cream, why bother at that point with saving calories? Anyhoo back to the story. Ok, so have I mentioned I need to pee? Have I mentioned I am pms-ing? So we are all done shopping and we pass by that Braches candy dispenser thing. Ya know, the one where you dispense the candy into paper bags then pay by the pound? The ones that no one EVER, EVER steals from? Not even when those little chocolates with the multi-colored sprinkles are right there in front of you and you only REALLY want one or two. And you are pms-ing and chocolate helps SO MUCH. I look at R. He looks at me. We look around. We see no green aprons indicating there are no Publix employees around. I motion to him. (Imagine those war scenes where the army men are all using hand signals and not talking.) I put my hand under the dispenser. He opens the plastic slot to let a few chocolates out. We take one last look around and I give him the ok. He slides. POOF. My hand fills with sprinkes!! No chocolate. Hmmm. We are laughing a bit, but trying to be all covert operations, so we calm ourselves and wait for a second and regain our composure. We look around again. I say, “Be cool man, I NEED this chocoalte!” He pulls the plastic dispenser again. OHMIGOD! A RUSH of chocolate comes POURING out of the damn thing!! There are chocolates falling everywhere! And the noise they made was SO LOUD PEOPLE!!! I have this HUGE handful of stolen chocolate and we both bust out laughing. He says to stop laughing because it hurts his back. Which just makes us both laugh So. Much.More. I have to cross my legs because I have to pee so bad. I look at him and tell him to help and grab some chocolate. Right then we turn and a Publix emplyee is walking up to us. He whispers, “You’re on your own!” and walks away laughing while I can’t move because if I do am I am going to pee my pants. So picture this. I am hysterically laughing, tears streaming from laughing, trying not to draw attention to myself and have a handful of chocolate I SO OBVIOUSLY JUST INTENDED TO STEAL, I am crossing my legs as hard as I can cause dude, I NEED to pee. I am trying SO HARD not to laugh anymore when R comes up from behind me and says, “Well at least give me some!” and grabs some chocolate out of my hand and runs away again. And starts laughing at me. Well, that was all she wrote. I couldn’t help myself. I, a 33 year old mother of two, peed my pants. And that just made me laugh harder. Now, luckily R is the perfect friend to have this happen with because he is the only one I could have told what I said next. By this time he is in line to pay. I come up from behind him and whisper, “Give me your keys, now.” he says,”What?” I said, “I need to go! Now!” he says, “Michelle, just GO to the batheroom HERE!” to which I reply, “You don’t understand, it’s too late!!!” With that, a look of sudden understanding washes over his face and he hands me the keys and I can hear him laughing behind me all the way to the doors. After which I RAN though the parking lot to the car. Needless to say I had to stop at my place on the way home before dinner.

But damn. It WAS funny. Oh, and I did get to eat the chocolates which I realized once safely in the car, were still tighly mushed up in my hand. Ya gotta laugh.

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