Background info to this story: My kids have been at grandma and grandpa’s for spring break this past week. They live in N.C. We meet halfway in S.C. to pick them up. ALSO I ran the half marathon last week then got the DEATH FLU the day after. I almost died. For reals. Went to the hospital and everything. Ok, not almost died for real, but really thought I was. They thought I had a blood clot in the lungs and everything. It was cool! No, not really. But I was SICK. So sick. Fevers, coughing. Not fun. No work for a whole week. To sum up: It sucked. Then this week I went to the dentist. I have had 4 front teeth replaced with veneers and it is a long story that goes back to breaking them off when I was 11. I have been gong to the dentist for this since January. Many, man needles. But things were going wrong this week and the dentist had to do some more gum surgery. That’s right, I said MORE gum surgery. Have I mentioned HOW MUCH FUN February and March have been?! And apparently now April is making a bid for most painful month too! Hey April, how about you chill out on me, k? So that brings me to my story….
Sooooo….yesterday I am working from home right? And I need to leave at 12 to go get the kids, right? So I woke up at 7am and just started working, right? K. So at 10:30am I am all, “Hmmm, I look pretty crappy, I better shower before I go, but I need to hurry cause I still got do some work.” So I go into the bathroom and start the shower. Then I brush the tangles outta my hair. And my hair, it is long, and it is honestly a wonder I am not bald, cause it falls.out.everywhere. I mean really, I shed like a dog. But I digress. So, I am all, “Wow! So much hair. But, hmmm, look at this grey. THREE grey hairs! Man! And roots! I really need to do my hair. I have that hair color I TOTALLY got on SALE at Target for $4 with the extra shampoo and conditioner. That was really a deal! Man, I really can find bargains!” Oh!! It is 10:45am! I am taking WAY too much time! “Focus, girl, FOCUS!” So I think, if I HURRY I can get the hair color on, do a bit more work, then rinse it out in the shower and VOILA! Awesome hair! Off to get the babies. My multi-tasking skills are MOST AWESOME. Right? Yes.
So I am all very, very happy with my multi-talking self. So I am dancing and singing while I am putting the hair color on. Cause ya know, I dance and sing. A lot. Much to my children’s horror. And so what that no one is here, I am dancing and singing to myself, and much fun is being had. Until. Until…
I HUGE dollop of the hair color lands right into my eyeball mid-boogie!!! “ARGH!!!!!!”””” I scream. “It BURNS!!!” I have no recollection of this, but I whipped off the gloves and went into IMMEDIATE high school chemistry mode and began rinsing the BLEACHING CHEMICALS outta my poor eyeball. The pain, SO.MUCH.PAIN.
So I drive to SC to get my kids and my mom is all how is your bloody mouth? But then I take off my sunglasses and she says, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE!?!” And I am all, “Oh, um, is it bad? Can you tell?” And she is all, “CALL A DOCTOR YOU MORON CHILD OF MINE!!!”
So I didn’t. But this morning I woke up and it is all swollen and not so happy and much with the owiness. Soooo I emailed my doctor and was all, “Look I REALLY am not normally so all about the getting hurt, and I know I have had to talk to you a lot this past week, but um, could ya maybe call in some eyedrops for me? My hair-coloring boogie-woogie went all sortsa bad. Could ya? It hurts to see and look at stuff.” I am awaiting a reply.
But I figure if I lose the eye I can get an EYEPATCH!! And I can BEDAZZLE it! With DOG designs!!! And it will be SO COOL! And I can hide valuables in my eye socket cause who would look there?!?! And people will see me in my green, doggie, flower covered car with my coolio eye patch and think, “There goes Michelle! She is so awesome! And that eyepatch! Only SHE can pull off a bedazzled eyepatch with so much hootzpah! And have you SEEN how great her teeth look lately?!”