I am coming back soon to regularly write here again. I admit, the allure of Facebook has had me in it’s grips, and probably always will. I love the immediacy of it. I love the little thought blurbs that take no more than a moment to write, edit and post. Drive thru blogging I guess. But I have more to say finally. And again. The last two years I feel like, and bare with me on this, it is super cheezy and I know it, a field lying fallow. I had worked for myself for 11 years, then went part time, then went full time and have been full time for the past 2 years. I have to admit, after the initial feeling of failure at having to take a full time job, I began to enjoy it. I began to relish the going home and doing nothing and getting a check once a month. My job was easy. Easy in that the work was there. Each day I walked in, had my assignments and all I had to do was DO them. My GOD, why in the world was I so against, this whole work at a job thing? A few boring meetings here and there, but really, all I had to do was just do what they told me. And I did. And I did it well. I am very good at my job. But after about a year, my mind began to wander a bit more in those meeting. My mind racing, my hands doodling pictures of animals and children. Then stories and ideas. And sometimes the doodles would fill me with such joy I ripped them off my spread sheet of jobs and hung them in my cube. The cube that was so comforting and easy. The cube that just practically handed me money. No trying to get the work. No sending out emails to try to find work. No constant worry if that job would come in, if I could actually pay my bills that month. Easy peasy pie.
But soon, that little pang in my art got noticeable, even a bit painful like a splinter you can’t see but hurts if you rub it just right. A pain that made me realize this cube life, as easy and fun as it was, joking and bantering with my friends each day over designing and coffee was not enough, not truly for me. I tried to make it enough. I tried to tell myself that this could be me, I could just do this and enjoy each night with my family, watching the latest stupid reality show. But my art began to call. My dogs, my little characters I began to doodle with more and more frequency began calling me to play. They began begging me to stop sitting at that desk and pretending I was not an artist because it was easier to do that. Easier to be a designer that got jobs off to print, could check jobs off a list, could get a job done and be good at it.There was no one to reject me here. No one to tell me it wasn’t creative enough, it didn’t grab their attention, it wasn’t original enough. Ouch.
Because those little characters? The ones calling my name? I love them. Let me rephrase, I LOOOOOOOVE them. How I adore the little dogs, and pigs, and penguins that show up to play in my head, in my heart and on my paper. And now there is a little boy calling me over and over and over. Oh how he wants to play. He wants to get born, to have a life but he is stuck in my head. All my little, happy creations are getting louder and louder tugging at my heart. And I am listening. And ready.
In another month I will be part time again. I will begin working from the studio I began creating last September. Lordee, lordee do I adore that studio. I swear I feel magic when I am in there. And it is time. Time to be in there. Getting my creatures and kids out on paper and out of my head. And as terrifying as it is, letting them go out into the world to meet others. Hoping others will love them like I do. And I cannot wait – even with all rejection that will assuredly still happen. (that never does get easier, but you do get thicker skin)
I guess I needed these last two years. Two years to get away from the anxiety, away from the fear. I no longer HAVE to make it happen for money. I HAVE to make it happen because my heart yearns for it. Needs it like I need air. And to not have to do it for money? That is not something I take lightly, not something I take for granted. It is a gift many do not get and manage to do it anyway. I am lucky. I am humbled by it. And I am so very grateful for this time in my life to have this opportunity.
And now, it is time to figure out what this little boy’s name is. Because he REALLY wants to come play with me and I really need to know what to call him. I hope he tells me soon. But I think he enjoys teasing me and isn’t ready to tell me yet. 🙂
Some awesome facebook friends have already given me some name ideas and on in particular is growing on me. But we will see if he likes any of them. But here is a sketch of him – feel free to offer any ideas you have too!