I woke up with the Whatif Monster whispering in my head today. Actually that’s a lie. He was whispering a lot in my head last night. Okay, that is a lie too. He pretty much is always whispering my my head all the time, just a lot louder yesterday. I choose to ignore him, but last night, he really got loud. It is probably the PMS. Nothing like hormones to make you doubt yourself and be sure that you are going to be found out for the utter failure your hormones promise that you are. Ugh. Only part about being a female I would trade in. At least it only lasts a day or so, right? still. ugh.
What are MY whatifs? What if my my book doesn’t sell? What if I don’t get enough money to manufacture these monsters? What if I never make any money and can never pay back the money I have already invested into my business? You know what? I have no idea what I will do if those things happen. I guess I will have to figure it out if it does. Part of me thrives on the not knowing. The exhilaration of working hard everyday, making phone calls, making connections, going to schools, meeting people and seeing what comes of it. It is SO exciting! Never knowing what is in store!
But on those other days? The ones where self-doubt creeps in? The ones where you look at your credit cards that you maxed out for your dream? The days where you spent more money than you made and you just promised to comp another school visit because the school has no funding and you would rather spend your own gas money than to even THINK about saying no to talking to little kids? Those days you crave KNOWING. You crave it like you want chocolate and you think you would push your husband into traffic if he got the last bar of chocolate before you on certain days of the month.
For just a moment, wouldn’t it be nice if you just KNEW that it was going to work out? You KNEW that you weren’t going to go into debt over this latest venture that you are wondering if you thought through enough before making BIG, HUGE promises to the world? You KNEW you would not fail?
But we don’t get that. Even on days where we want to stay under the covers and say, “What are you TALKING about? I didn’t promise anyone I would produce 1200 monsters with money I do not have!! That would be CRAZY! Surely you are talking about some stupid person, because who would commit $6000 to a project without having a CLUE if they could do it?!?! That is not me, can’t you see I am
hiding sleeping here? Go away and turn off the light when you leave, please.”
So I am going to go paint a pet portrait now of a dog named Gus. And try to shhhh the whispers of my Whatif Monster. Because it will all work out. Somehow. I believe that with all my heart. Even if I have no idea HOW to believe it right now. Because we cannot fail if we do not stop trying, right? Right.